He was going through his record collection rather swiftly: Meat Loaf ......... Randy Newman ....... hang on, what's this? New years resolutions:
1) Stop smoking
2) Give up smoking
3) See 1
4) See other side
He turned the piece of paper over and read the back. It said: 'no bullshit, just quit smoking!' He laughed to himself. He'd wondered where this year's list had gone. Or was this last year's list? He looked at his watch. The sixteenth of January. Shrugging he muttered 'well what'd you expect?' He hadn't decided to take off until the twenty third of December, when his dad had beat the hell out of him for drinking out of the milk carton. Or was it for not putting the T.V. guide in its normal place? Or leaving the lights on in the bathroom? Whatever it had been, his friends wouldn't get beaten over it so he decided he wasn't going to be anymore either. He could have taken off right then and there but he decided to plan it ahead a bit. Today was it, the first day of his new life. To Hell with new year, how about a new life? Resolutions seemed in place here. He decided he was going to quit smoking. Really this time, not like the numerous times before. He chucked the piece of paper in the wastepaper basket and went on with what he was doing: Ozzy Osbourne ....... ah, Pink Floyd. He took the sleeve out and let the record slide out. Carefully he placed it on the turning table and brought the needle down. Right, let's get to work!
   The rucksack on his desk bulged. Things were nearly falling out. 'Do I really need that much stuff?' he wondered. A thick white cord was woven through the metal rings rather randomly. After taking it out, he took all the twists and separate knots out. Then he brought it round neatly and tied it into one big, firm knot. He sat down and put his shoes on. He should have bought new shoelaces. There was probably a long way ahead of him. At the moment the only thing keeping them on his feet were some elastic bands. From his closet he produced his one satin shirt. It was his absolute favourite and had some inevitable pinhole burns down the front of it. Well, he was dressed now, all ready to go. He gazed across the room. He wondered whether he'd miss it. After all, he did have some good times here. Not too many, but still. Especially with his girlfriend; sorry, ex-girlfriend. He looked at the picture on the wall. Then he thought of Eric, his best friend; sorry, ex-best friend. Both had happened at the same time. Eric and he had shared everything their entire lives. Until he found out Eric was also 'sharing' his girlfriend. He'd been furious and had demanded it be Eric or him. It had been Eric of course and when he thought about it he wasn't even surprised. After all Eric was handsome, smart and going somewhere in life whereas he was not just any loser but an exceptional loser. In fact he was such a loser that if there would be a contest of who was the biggest loser, he'd still come second.
   He took a deep breath. His heart was beating a lot faster than it usually did and his palms were sweaty. His eyes fixed on the shelves over his desk. He felt a rage emerging from the depths of him and accompanied by the line 'we don't need no education...' from the speakers he swept all the books off the shelves with both arms. Then he started kicking the books around on the floor; it wasn't as if he would be doing the cleaning up. He picked up his French textbook. 'Worthless..' he mimicked his teacher while tearing out the pages by the dozen. When he had reached the acknowledgements he went on by picking up his history book by the cover. 'Stupid?' he asked rather loud and flung the book at the wall. 'No good?' he screamed at it. He went on with several other books, yelling from the top of his voice, before he fell back in his chair. While looking around at the fresh disaster area he took another deep breath. Well, at least he wasn't nervous any more. For now. He took a glance at his watch. Half an hour until his poor excuse for a father came home. Better hurry up. Just when he was about to leave he thought of Chris again. He was definitely going to miss Chris and was already feeling guilty about this whole thing. He couldn't leave without saying goodbye. So he went over to the phone and dialled the number. Nobody home. Brilliant. Just brilliant.
   The needle had reached the end of the record and instinctively he turned the disc around and placed the needle at the beginning, which took quite some concentration because his hands were trembling. Damn nerves were getting back again. Better have one more cigarette. The new life didn't start until he shut the door behind him, did it? He produced the packet of Marlboro's from his back pocket and got one out. He held his fingers out horizontally in from of his eyes. The nicotine stains on them were going up and down like crazy. When he was about to replace the packet he realised and chucked it. 'You are going to quit,' he told himself out loud. Then he produced a lighter and lit the thing. He inhaled slowly while walking up to his bed and taking the little chain from the bedpost. He took the cigarette in the other hand and flung the chain around his neck.
   The door had shut behind him with a click. Well, this was really it. This was really really it. Not just his palms were sweaty now. He was sweating all over. It wasn't even hot. It was never hot in England. Maybe he'd end up somewhere hot. That'd be nice. Or at least nicer. He stood up straight and took another deep breath. With his right hand he felt his shoulder. The big knot in the white cord was resting on it. So he had that. What else? Keys. He didn't really need them anymore but he wanted to make sure they were on his side of the door. He felt the pendants on the chain around his neck. The first was a little silver spoon that his mother had given him when he was very young. Must have been right after the divorce, just before she went into rehab. When he had understood why his mum had gone there he thought a spoon was not the most honouring reminder of his mother but unfortunately it was the only thing she had ever given him. The other pendant was a crucifix. Very important to have that with him. God knew what was ahead. He was going into uncharted territory. Well, not really, loads of people had been there already but it was definitely new for him. He started thinking about that. Uncharted territory, all alone. His dad was bad, no question about it, but was his life really that bad that he would give up everything else? His friends, his diploma in another year's time and his job? Fortunately he didn't have any siblings to worry about. He stared down at his feet. His legs were as weak as can be and he had trouble trying to stand upright. He could stay…. Just pretend all this never happened. But then he realised the torn books and the mess he had made just now. And his dad would be home in fifteen minutes. He couldn't bear to think of another beating. Tears were forming in the corners of his eyes. He started crying in little shocks. He just had to do this. He just had to. The tears were running down his cheeks now and he was trembling heavily all over his body. He swallowed and breathed in deep through his nose. He tried to stand up straight and took one step forward.
   The white knot in the cord shot upwards. All the muscles in his body contracted and he clenched his fists so hard the nails bore deep into his palms. The floor was moving slowly under his feet as the rope tightened itself around his neck. His eyes were shut completely and his jaws clenched together. And when his eyes opened up again slowly, in the background came from the speaker: 'oooooh, why are you running away?'