My god, she was fat! Unbelievable. She was so fat she, in order to get through a door, had to hold in her stomach and manoeuvre half her body in sort of sideways, then breathe out and try and roll her arse in. She was short as well. Like a midget. Not much use they are, short people. Can't use 'em for anything. If it were up to me I'd class them all as handicapped. Can't reach shelves, run fast, play the bass properly….bloody useless they are. Taking up valuable air and wasting water and food that we could use so well in the third world. You'd shoot them all if it weren't for the fact they're so damn difficult to hit.
   Short and fat. And ugly. Not just because of being short and fat but hair raisingly, dog, horse-like, butt-ugly. If I had a face like that, I'd sue. I mean, I know God can be cruel but she must have done something beyond belief in her former life to deserve this. She looks like she's been beat up, hung, maimed, shot, tortured, skinned, buried at Verdun, dug up in '42, tied to the bòttom of the train, experimented on by Mengele and then gassed for good measure. The only reason she's still around is because she didn't fit into the oven.
   Damn fat people. Talking about taking up valuable food and water….and space. The world isn't overpopulated, there's just too many fat people! That's why the sea level is rising you know; 's got nothing to do with the poles melting. The continents are getting too heavy; sinking. So the water level rises. All thanks to fat people. And the people complaining are the short ones, 'cause they damn well know they'll be the first to drown. Well, good riddance to them! Saves us the bullets. Can't even hang the little buggers 'cause the rope won't reach down that low. Anyway.
   She had the kind of head you wouldn't chop off 'cause it wouldn't be worth wasting a good stake on. Can't stand them; ugly people. As if the world isn't a depressing enough place to live in as it is. All we need is them polluting the scenery. Especially her. Talking about pollution…..the smell! Don't get me started on that… If she raised her arm to greet someone in the pub, all the beer would go flat instantly. Or if she opened her mouth.. That is to say, you could clearly see about twenty-eight chins moving down from the wart-infested lump of flesh in the middle of her face and a big black hole with occasional stomps of yellow god-knows-what would appear… If she opened her mouth it would smell, and sound, as if the world's biggest arse was turned inside out. The horror. Some people should be on a leash. Not her though; she is way beyond that. Even the zoo couldn't keep her……she'd scare everyone away.
   How that was ever born is a complete mystery to me. But had I been the doctor delivering I would have tactfully suggested the possibility of abortion. "Bit late? No, we have a very powerful vacuum cleaner." I mean, doctors have to swear to help people, don't they? Well, for the love of God and the sake of all humanity…..how could any deviant not wring that bovine neck upon birth!?! I would have. Claim it was stillborn. I can perfectly do without ugly children pestering the whole of humanity. Shitting, drooling, taking up valuable space and when they finally grow up…they're still ugly! No, better get it over with quickly: "Push!…….
Yes…….
Push!…"
PLOP!
"Right,….cross-eyed? big-nosed? fuck-faced? Knife!"
Chop, umbilical cord. Chop, windpipe. Out the window, in a pit, shovel full of quicklime on top. In nomine partis, filii et spiritus sancti. Next in line! I mean, now we're stuck with it.
   On top of all this misery, she was also as stupid as the back end of a long-deceased Norwegian shrimp. Didn't know her arse from mount Vesuvius, although I have to admit there were some striking resemblances there. I have things living up my nose that excel in brightness compared to that mutt. Imagine waking up next to that! She probably sleeps on the doormat as well.
"Eeh, doc, I slept with this, er, well, woman, sort of….."
"Ah, and now you want a VD test?"
"No, euthanasia."
   I mean, there's no point in killing hèr. There's no maggot sick enough to clean up that mess. Somebody once suggested to use her as a buoy but it was feared throwing her overboard off Melbourne would cause the dykes to break in The Netherlands.
   My god, she was fat! Unbelievable.