There are a lot of misconceptions about Tasmania. For starters; that it doesn't exist. Or that it has been fabricated by Warner Brothers as a habitat for Taz. Tasmania is very real and has been so for a considerable time. It's only been relatively recently called Tasmania, but that's because us Europeans couldn't get of our arses any earlier. Another misconception is that it's a country. It's not. Trust me.
   For those of you who have trouble differentiating between similar sounding names and therefore still believe Captain Hook's pirate ship is docked in Rotterdam port, Tasmania is not to be mistaken for Tanzania, which is located on the other side of the globe.
   If you are as bad in topography as I am; follow the Asian continent downward till you get to Indonesia. Across the water southward you'll find the terra australis, comprising of one really big chunk of land, two middle sized ones and a tiny one south of the big one. That's Tasmania.
   It is conveniently and centrally located beneath the hole in the ozone layer, which makes it not only easy to find for extra terrestrial visitors, but also the world's most effective solarium and number one destination for attracting skin cancer. Since smog and related spray-can gasses that are supposed to be destroying ozone are known to rise to the highest point some scientists may be forgiven for arguing this is proof Tasmania is actually on top of the planet, rather than the North Pole.
   The capital city, Hobart, is well known for not having any major universities or theatres, or museums, not having very many inhabitants, natural rarities, not being very industrial or artistic, or, in fact, at all interesting, except in comparison to the rest if the island's urban areas.
   It was first spotted by Abel Tasman, who respectfully declined to land there and, obviously not being the biggest fan of his employer, it being the smallest island, named it after him: van Diemens Land. Mr. Van Diemen was impressed with neither the discovery nor the name, sent Abel back to Holland and renamed the place Tasmaniac, to remind him of the idiot. The 'c' was later lost due to the letter being mistaken for a ravine on the map, not only leading to a name change, but also causing much confusion to a team of archaeologists, who spent the rest of their careers desperately trying to find the ancient and mythical feature in the landscape.
   New Holland, as Australia was modestly called, and the surrounding islands were soon taken from the Dutch by the English, who the Dutch thought were welcome to it, the two being at war with each other at the time. They wrote 'welcome you English bastards; enjoy your stay' on a large sign near the harbour, held a huge 'good riddance' party, kicked a kangaroo for good measure and sailed back to Indonesia, which was far more civilised.
   The commander of the English, Captain James Cook, landing near current Sydney, failed completely to see how anyone could name a place so rich with sunshine, sub tropic rainforest, beautiful beaches and hills after such a soggy and miserable land as Holland and named it after Wales instead.
   As the weather was ultimately better than at home and the country far more beautiful Cook decided not to emigrate the decent citizens of England to this paradise, but instead send over the convicted murderers, rapists and muggers instead, a clear indication of chemical delusion-inducing drugs being readily available as early as the seventeen hundreds. James died inspecting Hawaii as a possible prison for wife beaters and child molesters.
   The Australians, appalled by the sheer brutality and unfairness of one island dumping all its scum on another island, decided to do the same thing. Those criminals even the convicts couldn't be bothered lynching were shipped off to the island to the south, named after a daft Dutchman.
   Considering its history it will come as no surprise the majority of inhabitants of Tasmania are of Irish and Scottish descent. The most famous characters associated with the island seem to be Abel Tasman himself, who never actually set foot on it, and Taz, who is a cartoon character. In short, it has less celebrities than Belgium, itself often mistaken for a country.
   The people of Tasmania are very friendly. They will with great pleasure talk to you and tell you about the history and cultivation of the land. Bear in mind they are making it up as they go along though, and keep one eye on your wallet. They're also quite sensitive about their sexual relationships so be careful how you refer to kangaroos.
   You will regularly be greeted by a friendly and well-meant 'how ya going?', the Tasmanians often forgetting what they were going to say in mid-sentence and finishing off with the first thing that springs to mind and might apply to the situation. 'How are you going?' is one of the expressions now fully integrated into the language and frankly, one of the more comprehensible ones.
   Mornings are an event that need to be addressed. They don't do them. As the Tasmanians like to party like it's 1899 at night, and are in fact a lazy bunch, the Tazzie day starts at about noon. It is started with a cup of tea or coffee, a slow breakfast and another cup of tea or coffee. It is very unfashionable to turn up for work before lunch. To do your shopping therefore, you will be best off visiting shops that employ German backpackers, or alternatively, Melbourne.
   As Tasmania is formally part of Australia, it is also part of the Commonwealth and recognises the Queen of England as its sovereign. This means you will find an awfully familiar face on the national legal tender, which will remind you most of Monopoly cash. The idea the Tasmanians uphold the royal family because of a national sense of repentance for the crimes their ancestors have committed and a longing to once again become part of the esteemed and great nation of England is a noble one, but utter cobblers.
   The Queen visits Australia perhaps once a year, and usually forgets to include Tasmania. The Tasmanians therefore do not have to put up with the regal freak show, can still participate in the Commonwealth games and beat the English at pretty much everything, live in a better climate and still get the national holiday when the old bat has a birthday. The late Queen Mother however holds a special place in every Tasmanians heart. Her lifestyle of continuous drinking, betting, partying and sleeping late is a perfect example of the Tasmanian way. She was also born on the same day as the naming of the island.
   Travelling to Tasmania is traditionally done by rowing boat from Victoria. Travellers are advised to bring a tent (as that's better than the average house there), lots of drink, a sleeping mask, aspirin, kangaroo size condoms, sun block and sunglasses, an English-Tasmanian dictionary, a photo camera, fresh water, a good sense of humour and a toothbrush. We hope you enjoy your stay!


This story also appeared in the second issue of Cutting Teeth.