Density
A lot of people travelling to the Netherlands notice the Dutch are always very close to one another, as are the streets and the houses. This is not because all the Dutch are passionate about one another and want to hug, hold, caress and love each other, nor because the Dutch are a very snuggling people, but because if there would be more room between them, a lot of inhabitants would be pushed out of the country, into the neighbouring Belgium and Germany. A cruel fate you will agree. With 16 million people living on just over forty thousand square kilometres it is the second most densely populated country in the world and the undisputed number one in Europe. So, for incoming visitors; breathe in and tighten your belt.

Randstad
You are most likely to arrive at either Schiphol airport near Amsterdam or any of the ports around Rotterdam. Both of these are located neatly within the 'Randstad'. In Britain the term is associated with the recruitment agency, but it is in fact a geographical term. The area known as the 'Randstad' stretches approximately from Amsterdam and the Yselsea in the North till the Great Rivers (the Rhine and the Meuse) in the South. Its western border is the West coast along the North Sea and runs eastward until the city of Amersfoort. It includes the larger cities of Amsterdam, The Hague, Utrecht and Rotterdam, including Rotterdam Euro Port, the largest seaport on earth. Even though it is only a small part of the country, the Randstad contains the vast majority of the inhabitants. Why all people pile up inside the Randstad? It is said that as soon as one steps outside the Randstad borders cars become tractors, trainers become clogs, pitch forks substitute semi automatic pistols and the whole place reeks of cow dung and plague infested pigs. That's why.

Holland
The Netherlands are often referred to as 'Holland'. The official name of the country is The Kingdom of the Netherlands, as founded after the Dutch kicked out the Catholic Spanish oppressors in the sixteenth and seventeenth centuries and re-shaped after the other Low Countries, Luxembourg and Flanders, became a state of their own and part of Belgium respectively in the early eighteen hundreds. After Antwerp the Dutch power base shifted to Amsterdam, which is located in the province of North Holland. Due to conflict with the other provinces over which was the smelliest and most devoutly Calvinist (read: cheap) the sailors leaving for distant parts of the world would claim they were from 'Holland' rather than from the Netherlands. Pretty much like a Brummie not wanting to be mistaken for a Cockney. Thus, as the Dutch lay the foundations of what would be the third largest empire in the world by oppressing colonials, waging war, setting up the slave trade from Africa to the Americas and selling arms to both sides of various conflicts the Netherlands became known as Holland. The Dutch still use it today as it is shorter and they are lazy bastards.

Dykes
To foreigners dykes look as if they have been carefully arranged by landscape architects. To the natives they are the only bumps in an otherwise completely flat land and also the only reason the majority of them can breathe without having to grow gills. Without dykes all polders and the vast majority of the Randstad would be aquarian life. The city of Amersfoort, which has few canals and no rivers, would be a seaside resort if it weren't for dykes. Due to major technological advances you will be hard pressed to find any little boys with their fingers in a dyke to save the country. However, reports in Flevoland do suggest the more frustrated teenagers have been found plugging other body parts into them. Dykes have also recently been granted the right to be joined in wedlock.

Friesland (Fryslân)
The province of Friesland lies in the North of the Netherlands, far from the Randstad and civilisation. It contains the middle sized Drachten and the large city of Leeuwarden (Ljouwert). Being of an ancient race of people who defied the Romans by living in the worst of all godforsaken, bog infested and freezing areas known to man, the inhabitants of Friesland are proud people. They share their name and heritage with their German relatives, who live in an area known as East Friesland. Sadly the two are geographically separated as Friesland is inconveniently located in the West, rather than bordering Germany. In Friesland there are two official languages; that of the cruel oppressors, Dutch, and their native, you guessed it, Friesian. All the signage in the province is bi-lingual as are the people. To you, the foreigner, this will make no difference as both languages are equally incomprehensible but don't expect the Dutch to understand a word of it either. The Friesians are constantly on the move to declare their own autonomous state and various separatist movements have sprung up within the province. They are faced with two problems; one current, one future. The current problem is the art of making explosives hasn't filtered through to Friesland yet so they have no means of terrorist attacks on The Hague. The future problem they face is the only export to support their economy is cows. The Dutch have made no objections to a Friesian state. In a recent survey the population of Holland voted in favour of separation. The majority, when asked to elaborate, ticked D: 'good riddance'.

Bicycles
Within the western world the Dutch are undoubtedly the most fanatic cyclists. There are several reasons for this. First of all, Holland is too cramped for everyone to have a car. Secondly, if you put your foot down once you are out of the country. And thirdly the Dutch don't have to worry about cycling uphill as there are no hills. There are approximately 25 million bicycles in the Netherlands. This, if you consider there are only 16 million people, may sound a bit excessive. However, even though logistically these figures would suggest every Cloggie owns a bike-and-a-half, this is not at all true. Bikes aren't owned in the Netherlands. They belong to anyone and everyone. Marx would have been proud. The procedure for choosing a bicycle in Holland is as follows: 1) You find a railway station 2) Find a bike you like and is not or barely locked 3) If necessary break lock with footwear or scrap metal 4) Cycle off Common decency does dictate that when you are done with your bike you leave it in a public place so someone else can steal it. If you wish to ride your bike more than once adhere to the rule of thumb, being that the lock should be more expensive than the bicycle. Traffic rules do not apply to cyclists. They can ride anywhere, anytime, in any state of inebriation. Baggage carriers are designed to carry people, pets and crates of beer. Breaks are usually faulty and working lights are seen as a sign of aggression. Except for at train stations the most common place to find a bicycle is at the bottom of a canal.

Drugs
Holland does not have a drug problem. After they redefined some of the terminology the problem ceased to be. The Dutch provide both patients and customers with all soft drugs and offer a wide range of varieties when it comes to substitutes for hard drugs. The most famous outlets for drugs are the infamous 'coffee shops', located on street corners for your convenience. You will be offered a choice between various kinds of substances, each again subdivided in strength and class. When smoking weed you will be offered the choice between imported and the homegrown 'nederwiet'. Space cake, mushrooms of the Harry Potter kind and ready-made spliffs are on the menu as well. Also, they do really good coffee. At the larger rave parties the National Health Service provides campervans where, for a small fee, you have your pills tested. They will then advise you on what course of action to take, ranging from 'I would strongly suggest you do not consume this as the main ingredient seems to be drain cleaner, which might have a very negative effect on your vital functions', to 'dude, this shit is fantastic! Where did you get it from?'

Prostitution
Prostitution is legal in the Netherlands. For those of you who won't be able to pick up a man or woman in a Dutch bar… there's really no reason to live. However, you can still get your juices flowing in the red light districts or order a hooker by phone. The whole transaction will be dealt with without pimps with baseball bats and rotweilers. Still, the more economical of you might still want to consider the consequences of not paying. You may not have your facial features re-arranged by a drug dealing part-time muscle man; somehow I doubt it will look good on your CV having been arrested for not paying a prostitute… The smart thing of legalising prostitution is the fact the government receives tax from brothels and politicians cannot be indicted for being caught in the backseat of a government vehicle with their trousers around their ankles.

Amsterdam
The capital of the Netherlands is not where the government is based, which is The Hague. The Dutch capital is Amsterdam. It has very traditional Dutch architecture throughout and many canals. It is also a shithole.

Windmills, clogs and tulips
According to American popular belief, usually referred to as 'the ultimate truth', all inhabitants of the Netherlands walk around their windmill homes on clogs, eating tulips all day. Tulips have not been eaten since the hunger-winter of 1944-1945. However, they have been smoked, along with banana peels, acorns and tealeaves. It can therefore safely be concluded that even though the Yanks are talking rubbish, the Dutch are indeed very severely fucked up in the head. Clogs were designed for people who are under constant threat of cows treading on their toes and are too dim to tie shoelaces. It is very popular footwear in Friesland. Windmills are a very well established feature in the Dutch landscape. They have become a bit disused recently as mankind has discovered simpler and cheaper ways of making bread. They are now leased out to travelling Spanish theatre companies performing Don Quichotte.

Monarchy
Like England, Holland has a monarchy and like is the case with the English they are nearly all Krauts. The first king of the Netherlands was William of Nassau. Also known as William the Silent and William of Orange (the first). He was a Kraut. He became king and was shot. His last words demonstrated how Dutch he was, as he spoke them in French. The line continued until Queen Wilhelmina, who in 1940 received a visit from German delegates. She decided to take a five-year holiday in England. A great insult to her son-in-law, who was also a Kraut. While the invading forces cycled back to Germany in 1945 the slightly unhinged Wilhelmina returned to the Netherlands, with her daughter and future queen, Juliana, who was slightly less unhinged but all the more an alcoholic. She had perceived Beatrix, who was so impressed by all the lovely things the Germans had done during the occupation, she married one. The current crown prince, Willem Alexander, however, is finally beginning to show the side effects of mixing with German blood so often. He's a twit. The Dutch are very proud of their royal family, although the majority have not got a clue what their names are, where they live or indeed, what they do. The 30th of April is Queen's day, which the Dutch celebrate by drinking themselves into a stupor. So it's basically like Saturday.

Language
The pronunciation of the Dutch language is mostly associated with throat disease. It is directly related to English, German and Friesian though sounds like it's related to Grisly. Both Afrikaans and Flemish are direct descendants from Dutch. The people in Holland are well known for their ability to speak other languages. This is often attributed to their want for knowledge and willingness to address people in their native tongue. This is very much not true. In Britain alone there are 60 million English speakers. In- and outside the Netherlands Dutch and its variations is spoken by 30 million, over 14 million of whom don't like the Dutch. In short, they can either learn how to speak English, German, French and Spanish or suffer very lonely and hungry holidays abroad.

Neighbours
Everybody needs good neighbours. To the North of Holland lies the North Sea, followed in the long run by Scandinavia. The Dutch have a very good relationship with the Scandinavians. The Dutch never visit them and they never come over either. No such luck with their eastern neighbours. In 1918 the German emperor came running across the border, followed in 1940 by the remainder of the armed forces. The current feelings of mutual loathing have more to do with lost football matches though. Still, Germany provides the Dutch with husbands for their royal family. Also, the Germans supply the Dutch with beer and vice versa. To the West lies more of the North Sea, followed immediately by England. The Dutch like the English. They kicked the living daylights out of the Krauts throughout the war and can't beat them at football. The ideal alliance. Also, the English speak English, which is always a plus. The Dutch tend to see Scotland and Wales as being part of England. The Dutch love for the English is astounding if you consider they fought over New York/New Amsterdam twice, lost South Africa to England while fighting off the Spaniards at home, disputed each other's claims on Australia, quarrelled over the East Indies and fought three major wars on the North Sea. That's more armed conflicts the two put together against Germany. To the South lies Belgium, which is usually not considered a country as: 1) It used to be part of Holland 2) They can't even make up their mind what language to speak The Dutch think all the Belgians are dim and the Belgians find all the Dutch are cheap, which they are. They provide the Dutch with beer and get Heineken in return.

Football
The British have a very violent crowd of national supporters and a relatively quiet club following. In Holland this is the exact opposite. Don't think because all people painted orange keep hugging each other during the World Cup means they won't kick each other's heads in when their clubs compete at home. The main teams are PSV from Eindhoven, Ajax from Amsterdam and Feyenoord from Rotterdam. The last two are the oldest and most famous of enemies. In a pre-arranged meeting between a pack of supporters from either side along a motorway each tried to kill as many of the opposing supporters. Feyenoord won 1-0. Don't wear Feyenoord caps, jackets or shirts in Amsterdam or vice versa. They are not status symbols, decorations or even items of clothing; they are a declaration of war. And as lovely as the Amsterdam canals may look; they are not very pleasant to be swimming in.

Export
The Dutch having the most famous flower auction and the largest seaport in the world they are a nation of traders. They export their national heritage all over the planet. Tulips are exported in the shape of bulbs, actual bundles of flowers or plastic ones. They are very cheerful and remind those Dutch living abroad why the hell they got out in the first place. Cheese is another product famously from Holland. Edam and Gouda are the two most famous cheese towns. The only country competing with Holland in the war of cheese domination is France. Both claim to make the best cheese in the world. Make up your own mind. As technology has developed a lot more rapidly in the Netherlands than it has in France, the Dutch actually manage to export their products before fungi start crawling all over it. It is nearly impossible to find a place in the world where they do not sell Dutch beer. Heineken is the most exported beer in the world and available everywhere. It is traditionally brewed in Amsterdam, as is Amstel. The famous pop-off bottle that delights the world with Grolsch is from Groenlo, but still tastes great. Other exported Dutch beers include Dommelsch and Oranjeboom. Many other beers have Dutch labels, but this is to do with the fact they are from Belgium. The Dutch hate to admit it but they are just slightly pissed off that a country as moronic as Belgium manages to make the best beer in the world and, more importantly, they let it go when they claimed independence. The one thing Friesland was good for was the export of Frisians. They were very popular for both dairy and meat products. Over the past few hundred years however they have managed to spread so far and wide nobody can stand the sight of them anymore. Which is why Friesland is as useless as it is. Though watching the Dutch national team would give you a completely different impression, the Dutch export a record number of football players. For some reason all teams in England, Italy and Spain depend on their Dutch players, whereas all teams in Holland are made up from Nigerians, Poles and Danes.